Untitled Reflections (Variety Coffee UES & E 87th St Apt.)

7.18

The dichotomy between cynicism and expectancy is so complicated. On the one hand, it’s wrong to be cynical and think, "I’m feeling happy right now: shoot, I need to stop; this is not for me, and I need to stop thinking about it because it will not result in what I wish and dream for it to be." I realized that if someone thought like this I would be so sad for them. I would not want them to always anticipate bad in their lives. But then here is the catch-22 (don't know if I’m using this term correctly here)—again, as always, my definition of good versus bad. Here is another dichotomy. There is the truth of pain being pain. There is good and bad. This is why in heaven there will be no more pain, no more heartache. In a way it’s not wrong to define the typical good things as good and the bad things as bad. God doesn’t ask me to say death, infertility, loneliness, heartache, illness are “good"—these are why the whole creation is groaning and waiting. But God works all things for the good of those who love him. So all things in my life are good because of his redemptive hand. God’s giving is blessing and so is his taking away. So while it’s wrong for me to be cynical and think “good things will never come my way,” me thinking this way won’t make God “take pity on me” and give those good things to me. This is not his way of compassion and mercy. Lord, your mercy is above me, higher than my wisdom. I can only think with my limited human mind. If I see my child suffering from lack of “good things,” I would give those good things in a heartbeat. But this is not your compassion. You don’t resolve my misery through the way I conceive of resolving misery. Again, Jesus wasn’t spared from the cross, despite the severe agony. He was not spared from a harsh life. On the one hand, I need to direct my thoughts away from the rhetoric of “I need to stop expecting this to happen because my life is not meant to go so smoothly.” But this doesn’t mean I should keep thinking or daydreaming about what I want. And it is good to be realistic instead of having my head in the clouds—but even as I type this I feel kind of sad just remembering what a gift it is for children to have this childlike faith and expectation in things. But I am not told to be a child in my naivety. I am told to be a child in my trust towards God’s plan for my life and his good, fatherly hand that is stronger than the harsh realities of this world. Just because being cynical is wrong doesn’t mean that I will get what I want. Ecclesiastes tells us that it is wise to accept our lot in life instead of daydream about what we don’t have. The happy person is the one who accepts the lot God has given them in life instead of rebelling against it. This is not fate. Yet there is the uncomfortable aspect of—God is sovereign. God is the potter: I am the clay. Presenting 100% of myself as a living sacrifice means total giving up of my person to be used by God as he will, for his glory and my good. And this is also the happiest place, the only good in life. Total giving up of my life to God even in the bad things is the only good in life. God your sovereignty can seem so harsh. Why didn't you give Leah Jacob's love? Why do some people live without the constant anticipation of something going wrong? They live expecting good things instead of thinking that good things are too good to be true and too rare. Why does someone in their thirties with a three-year-old daughter and a newborn get terminal cancer? Why them? Why me? But yes, we return to the cliche—why not me? God I am your arrow. Fashion me however you want. Shoot me whichever direction you want. Because the most important thing is that you are love. You do not bring about my harm. So I don’t have to live focusing on expecting good things to happen. I don’t have to live focusing on expecting bad things to happen. Lord, enable me, I demand of you, to live focusing on expecting your blessing to fall on me, in your way, by your mercy, your mercy that I don’t understand but that I trust. 

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7.20

Lord, I still feel like your mercy can be so harsh. I wish you would just make things easier by giving me what I think will bring me comfort, happiness, something to fall back on. But the problem is I know that I can cry, throw a tantrum, even be honest with you, but no matter what I do I will not get what I want. But I want you to give me what I want. It seems that your love is the only thing you are giving me to help me bear my load. When will this love be all-sufficient as it is meant to be? Why won't you help in the moment of the bewildering, overpowering pain, fear, sadness? I remember back to that moment in Grand Rapids where I felt the presence of your love—that your love is right here with me even right now. I assume that I will keep feeling overbearing helplessness and sadness until the glimpse of this becomes all-encompassing? So when will it happen? Why can't you help me out and show me mercy and support in the tangible way I want? You know that I have a hard time accepting that you are not giving me what I want. And I don't even want to accept it. I just want you to change it. Or why can't you help me out by at least changing my heart about this? When it feels too much to even spend time verbalizing what I want to you, all I can do is to remember your promise that "In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles...those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing...he rescues those whose spirits are crushed" (Psalm 34). So you promised that you are here to save me from all my troubles. You're not supposed to leave me under the weight of each overbearing moment. And you said I lack no good thing—so you will bring me to a place where I full-heartedly believe I have all the good I need. And you promised to rescue me from a crushed spirit. The word is rescue. You will not leave me in a crushed spirit. These are your promises and I can hold you to them.

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Untitled poem I came across in a book once:

Why did my daughter’s husband break her heart?

I know, little child

Won’t you tell me, Father?

I won’t, my son

Why does my wife have to live in pain?

I know little child

Won’t you tell me, Father? It would make it easier

It wouldn’t, my son

Why do parents have to bury their children? It isn’t right

It isn’t, little child

Then get rid of death, Father

I am, my son

Why are your people abused, persecuted and killed? Can’t you protect them?

I can, little child

Then do something

I did, my son

Why do my parents need to finish their lives in unrelenting misery? How is that merciful?

It is, little child

Then I don’t understand mercy

You don’t, my son

But it all hurts so much sometimes

I know it does, little child

How do you know Father?

I have felt all the pain of sin, my son

Can’t you make it all stop?

I can, little child

Then do it, Father

I started 2000 years ago and will finish soon, my son

I believe you, Father, help my unbelief

I love you, my son